When I had your love here on earth, I took it for granted, worse than that, I didn't pay attention to it a lot of the time.

The mourning is for some much lost time, and as I say it to myself, I lose more and more time.

I am so lucky I had you at all, that is a miracle in itself, that you were born to be my father

and that you loved me just the way you did.


A teacher writes about being sad that the school year was ending. His Jesuit friend who had spent many years teaching told him, "it's the same for me when a school year ends. You have to freely accept love from the students, but you have to remember that you can't hold onto it."  It reminded me of the experience of the apostles after the Resurrection, who wanted nothing more than for Jesus to stay around.  His response: "Do not cling to me."   from My Life with The Saints, James Martin SJ


I cling. more and more it seems. and in the moments when I don't, I panic, am I not feeling ? have I gone numb?

there seems to be only two switches, dire pain and deep gripping sadness or nothingness, numbness. how can that be?

how can it be normal to feel this way?

it can't be.

the clinging, like a child holding onto the pant leg of her parent, begging him not to go.

that feels right, the other, the nothingness -  that just feels  frightening.