There are no words this morning.
only regret.
"I have no regrets," you told my mother.
And I have so many.
That last night I should have known,
should have believed it was more than just pain from compression,
should have stayed awake the whole night long
I can not undo what I have done.
is it going to haunt me forever?
If only I hadn't been what I am, what I was,
I could have done something to help you.
I did only silly things, and they didn't help.
What plagues me now is that you counted on me,
depended on me to help you, save you
and I didn't.
it's not your forgiveness I am looking for,
I believe you are in a place that doesn't need even the concept of forgiveness
is it my own I want.
and it may never come.
and that is too much to bear.
why am I the way I am?
I have no answers.
If I could be like you for even a day the world would change.
I pray this morning for myself,
to see myself for what I am.
If I could be more like you things would be different.
I know wherever you are, there's happiness
because you are there.