http://youtu.be/QCmP4bEJfOg
Here is the music
that breaks my heart.
Astor Piazolla wrote Adios Nonino for his father.
"Here's the reality of life, you make decisions with imperfect information and achieve imperfect results."
Or maybe there's a perfection in life we can not see.
So many decisions I made seem imperfect, fatal.
Why couldn't I help save you?
I will never know.
It's living with the not knowing that is the hardest to surrender.
You are my everything.
I pray for everything I can not know.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
June 20th
"You just need to keep the faith while things unfold. Faith keeps on keeping on. Faith means going forward by whatever means we can."
"Just do the next right thing" We must be willing to surrender to a power greater than us." Julia Cameron
I don't know if I have "the faith."
I pray to find it.
I don't know if I can go forward,
I pray to move in a direction and do " the next right thing."
I pray for surrender, every day, that is my prayer, to surrender to all that I do not understand, to the mystery of you,
vacant from your chair, yet, present in my life, more and more powerfully every day.
I pray to know you and love you just as you are.
I pray to allow myself the not knowing, the confusion, the unfaith.
"Just do the next right thing" We must be willing to surrender to a power greater than us." Julia Cameron
I don't know if I have "the faith."
I pray to find it.
I don't know if I can go forward,
I pray to move in a direction and do " the next right thing."
I pray for surrender, every day, that is my prayer, to surrender to all that I do not understand, to the mystery of you,
vacant from your chair, yet, present in my life, more and more powerfully every day.
I pray to know you and love you just as you are.
I pray to allow myself the not knowing, the confusion, the unfaith.
June 19th
"If your thoughts and emotions are in the past when you pray for guidance in the present, you are living in too many time zones. This makes it hard for you to hear guidance or make decisions about what to do in your present life. You're actually listening for guidance so that you can go where you cannot go any longer, no amount of prayer can help you there. Clinging to the past is like praying for God to raise the dead." Carolyn Myss
I want to stay in the past and in the present.
I don't want to leave you, and I don't know how to go on and keep you with me,
or do I ?
I'm so confused about all this.
I know you're here with me, and yet you're not here in the same way.
I can't go to your body any longer, I can't look into your eyes.
Too painful to even write these words.
I pray you will stay with me, in whatever ways you can.
I pray that I will know the ways, I will recognize you in whatever form you come to me.
I pray to listen. I pray to hear you.
I want to stay in the past and in the present.
I don't want to leave you, and I don't know how to go on and keep you with me,
or do I ?
I'm so confused about all this.
I know you're here with me, and yet you're not here in the same way.
I can't go to your body any longer, I can't look into your eyes.
Too painful to even write these words.
I pray you will stay with me, in whatever ways you can.
I pray that I will know the ways, I will recognize you in whatever form you come to me.
I pray to listen. I pray to hear you.
June 18th
"We are constantly advancing, like explorers, into the unknown, which makes life an adventure all the way. How interminable and dull that journey would be if it were on a straight road over a flat plain, if we could see ahead the whole distance, without surprises, with the salt of the unexpected, without challenge."
Eleanor Roosevelt
In your honor, I go into the world, an explorer.
You will always be with me, you have "returned to the non-physical realm," just as real as this life, just a life and realm I can not understand.
You are on your own adventure.
This letting go is the toughest, the most scary, sometimes not an adventure at all, just fear and the heart of sadness.
I pray for your hand to reach for mine in a new way.
I pray to rise to the challenge of the adventure.
Eleanor Roosevelt
In your honor, I go into the world, an explorer.
You will always be with me, you have "returned to the non-physical realm," just as real as this life, just a life and realm I can not understand.
You are on your own adventure.
This letting go is the toughest, the most scary, sometimes not an adventure at all, just fear and the heart of sadness.
I pray for your hand to reach for mine in a new way.
I pray to rise to the challenge of the adventure.
June 17th
"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." FDR
There are many knots to tie,
many ends of many ropes,
I'm hanging on,
and hanging on.
I pray for a way in - not a way out.
I pray for you ever present, ever with me, ever here.
All I can do is be here. All I can do is live in my life, not in another's - or in a life that I once had.
That life is gone, I can not retrieve it, as much as I yearn to go back there.
It is an impossibility.
There are many knots to tie,
many ends of many ropes,
I'm hanging on,
and hanging on.
I pray for a way in - not a way out.
I pray for you ever present, ever with me, ever here.
All I can do is be here. All I can do is live in my life, not in another's - or in a life that I once had.
That life is gone, I can not retrieve it, as much as I yearn to go back there.
It is an impossibility.
June 16th
"A joy that death does not have the power to destroy."
"Nothing that you have done in the past has the power to name who you are."
"Living with all our heart." Thomas Merton
You are the joy that nothing can destroy.
I look over the past, pieces of another life, they do not name me anymore.
To live with all my heart, that would be joy. That would honor you and your love.
I pray to live with all my heart into this new life.
"Nothing that you have done in the past has the power to name who you are."
"Living with all our heart." Thomas Merton
You are the joy that nothing can destroy.
I look over the past, pieces of another life, they do not name me anymore.
To live with all my heart, that would be joy. That would honor you and your love.
I pray to live with all my heart into this new life.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
June 15th
"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present." Eleanor Roosevelt
You would agree, I know you would.
You saw every day as a gift.
The tears are with me almost everyday. they are my present.
Maybe they are a present.
Maybe they are living parts of my soul.
Maybe I need to be glad they are with me, instead of wiping them away.
Where do they come from? I don't know.
I've always been a crier. I've always had my tears as my companion.
Maybe my tears too are a gift, a part of me coming home to myself.
I pray for you with me and not with me.
A hard truth to accept.
You would agree, I know you would.
You saw every day as a gift.
The tears are with me almost everyday. they are my present.
Maybe they are a present.
Maybe they are living parts of my soul.
Maybe I need to be glad they are with me, instead of wiping them away.
Where do they come from? I don't know.
I've always been a crier. I've always had my tears as my companion.
Maybe my tears too are a gift, a part of me coming home to myself.
I pray for you with me and not with me.
A hard truth to accept.
June 14th
"A joy that death does not have the power to destroy."
"Nothing that you have done in the past has the power to name who you are."
"Living with all our heart." Thomas Merton
You are the joy that nothing can destroy.
I look over the past, pieces of another life, they do not name me anymore.
To live with all my heart, that would be joy. That would honor you and your love.
I pray to live with all my heart into this new life.
"Nothing that you have done in the past has the power to name who you are."
"Living with all our heart." Thomas Merton
You are the joy that nothing can destroy.
I look over the past, pieces of another life, they do not name me anymore.
To live with all my heart, that would be joy. That would honor you and your love.
I pray to live with all my heart into this new life.
Monday, June 13, 2011
June 10th
"That which is invisible is real and lasting: the visible is a fleeting lie: Spirit is the driving force behind matter." Jonathan Ellerby
You are real to me, yet invisible.
You are lasting and loving.
I pray for you everywhere, I pray for your heart and soul.
"i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)" e.e. cummings
You are real to me, yet invisible.
You are lasting and loving.
I pray for you everywhere, I pray for your heart and soul.
"i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)" e.e. cummings
June 9th
"You must come to terms with death to embrace life."
How do I do that?
what does that mean?
How in the world can you come to terms with the absence of someone?
As far as I can see, you can't.
You just have to start over, a new beginning.
your old life is gone, it is not here, nothing you can do to hold onto it.
Nothing.
I fight it everyday.
I fight reality everyday.
I'm so broken by it.
Heartbroken.
I have to find a way to keep you with me.
How do I do that?
what does that mean?
How in the world can you come to terms with the absence of someone?
As far as I can see, you can't.
You just have to start over, a new beginning.
your old life is gone, it is not here, nothing you can do to hold onto it.
Nothing.
I fight it everyday.
I fight reality everyday.
I'm so broken by it.
Heartbroken.
I have to find a way to keep you with me.
June 8th
I can't help you figure it all out, I can just tell you I' ll always be there for you,
always looking out for you
it's hard for me too
it's different now. I'm not in the same place
I can only work magic from where i am but it's not the kind of magic you think about
I can't send a prince charming down to you I can't find you a job
i can't send a pot of gold over to you
I can love you with all my heart the way I always have and always will
and I know you love me.
My imaginings on what you would say to me.
It makes me sad, heartbroken, I do my best to take the wisdom I know is there.
even though it may be only my inner wisdom rising.
getting past the noise and distractions I put in its way.
I pray to allow whatever wisdom is there
to rise up.
I pray for you- I know you are sending me messages in the ways that you can,
I'm thankful for you.
always looking out for you
it's hard for me too
it's different now. I'm not in the same place
I can only work magic from where i am but it's not the kind of magic you think about
I can't send a prince charming down to you I can't find you a job
i can't send a pot of gold over to you
I can love you with all my heart the way I always have and always will
and I know you love me.
My imaginings on what you would say to me.
It makes me sad, heartbroken, I do my best to take the wisdom I know is there.
even though it may be only my inner wisdom rising.
getting past the noise and distractions I put in its way.
I pray to allow whatever wisdom is there
to rise up.
I pray for you- I know you are sending me messages in the ways that you can,
I'm thankful for you.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
June 7th
I am a pilgrim on the road home.
"Everything is a blessing."
Will I ever understand that mystery?
Will I ever pick myself up and walk forward?
Surrender.
"Abandon myself to the mystical arms of the Divine."
What does that mean?
I've spent too many years filling myself up, it's time to empty myself.
I pray for emptiness so that I may find you there.
"Everything is a blessing."
Will I ever understand that mystery?
Will I ever pick myself up and walk forward?
Surrender.
"Abandon myself to the mystical arms of the Divine."
What does that mean?
I've spent too many years filling myself up, it's time to empty myself.
I pray for emptiness so that I may find you there.
June 7th
"When divine chaos comes through personal crisis - the death of a loved one, you must still find a way to gratitude through prayer and endurance, if not for the event then for the support system that is sent to you or for the insights that arise when you need them." Carolyn Myss, Entering the Castle
Chaos is a windstorm, a tornado, a blizzard in summer, an earthquake.
Change comes always too soon.
My feet have lost touch with the earth,
I spin up and out.
There's nothing to hold onto.
I pray to find courage where there is none.
I pray for you, I don't know if you are there.
I'm knocking on a sky that has no ceiling.
Chaos is a windstorm, a tornado, a blizzard in summer, an earthquake.
Change comes always too soon.
My feet have lost touch with the earth,
I spin up and out.
There's nothing to hold onto.
I pray to find courage where there is none.
I pray for you, I don't know if you are there.
I'm knocking on a sky that has no ceiling.
Monday, June 6, 2011
June 6th
"When divine chaos comes through personal crisis - the death of a loved one, you must still find a way to gratitude through prayer and endurance, if not for the event then for the support system that is sent to you or for the insights that arise when you need them." Carolyn Myss, Entering the Castle
Chaos is a windstorm, a tornado, a blizzard in summer, an earthquake.
Change comes always too soon.
My feet have lost touch with the earth,
I spin up and out.
There's nothing to hold onto.
I pray to find courage where there is none.
I pray for you, I don't know if you are there.
I'm knocking on a sky that has no ceiling.
Chaos is a windstorm, a tornado, a blizzard in summer, an earthquake.
Change comes always too soon.
My feet have lost touch with the earth,
I spin up and out.
There's nothing to hold onto.
I pray to find courage where there is none.
I pray for you, I don't know if you are there.
I'm knocking on a sky that has no ceiling.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
June 4th
The glory and grace of grief
you have your layers, your windings, your bridges, your tunnels.
"There are different wells within your heart
Some fill with each good rain,
Others are far too deep for that." Hafiz
I'm on the threshold
but how to cross over, to move beyond,
to start " a new beginning."
I have no idea how to do it.
You will understand, and you'll stand on the threshold with me,
as long as it takes.
You are my prayer.
My prayer is you.
you have your layers, your windings, your bridges, your tunnels.
"There are different wells within your heart
Some fill with each good rain,
Others are far too deep for that." Hafiz
I'm on the threshold
but how to cross over, to move beyond,
to start " a new beginning."
I have no idea how to do it.
You will understand, and you'll stand on the threshold with me,
as long as it takes.
You are my prayer.
My prayer is you.
June 3rd
"That which takes from us gives to us: Sickness is a healer, loss is a teacher." Jonathan Ellerby
"If you want to be given everything
Give everything up....
Because the Master has no goals in mind,
Everything she does succeeds." Lao Tzu 600 BCE
"She who sees deeply into
one thing, sees all.
She who looks long into all things,
sees nothing." Ancient Vedic teaching, 4000 BCE
You still teach me, in your universe,
I know you saw deeply into love,
and in that you saw everything.
Have I given everything up?
no I haven't.
It just feels that way, without you here.
I pray to look deeply into one thing, love.
And to not dance all over the place looking at many things.
seeing nothing.
I pray to find a way to piece my heart back together, still with its brokenness, yet unbroken in its brokenness.
I pray for you raindance, starbright, seascape, moonrise, eternal love.
"If you want to be given everything
Give everything up....
Because the Master has no goals in mind,
Everything she does succeeds." Lao Tzu 600 BCE
"She who sees deeply into
one thing, sees all.
She who looks long into all things,
sees nothing." Ancient Vedic teaching, 4000 BCE
You still teach me, in your universe,
I know you saw deeply into love,
and in that you saw everything.
Have I given everything up?
no I haven't.
It just feels that way, without you here.
I pray to look deeply into one thing, love.
And to not dance all over the place looking at many things.
seeing nothing.
I pray to find a way to piece my heart back together, still with its brokenness, yet unbroken in its brokenness.
I pray for you raindance, starbright, seascape, moonrise, eternal love.
June 1st
"Life is very brief and the only true purpose is measured in how much love and grace we allow to flow through our souls during our lifetime." Carolyn Myss
"Empty your soul of its history. Retain love, wisdom, goodness, truth as all these energies carry within them the people you love and the memories that make you who you are. Shed everything that leads nowhere and everything that continually repeats itself but serves nothing at all." Carolyn Myss, Entering the Castle
I pray to empty my soul of all the history that does not serve me, that leads nowhere, and hold onto love.
I pray for you.
"Empty your soul of its history. Retain love, wisdom, goodness, truth as all these energies carry within them the people you love and the memories that make you who you are. Shed everything that leads nowhere and everything that continually repeats itself but serves nothing at all." Carolyn Myss, Entering the Castle
I pray to empty my soul of all the history that does not serve me, that leads nowhere, and hold onto love.
I pray for you.
May 31st
"The building of a ship doesn't begin with the materials it begins with a longing for the sea."
Maybe it is the same with communicating with you, I don't need to know how to do it, I just need
the longing to reach you.
I pray to let mystery take over and lead me there.
I pray for you out in a vast universe where I can meet you.
Maybe it is the same with communicating with you, I don't need to know how to do it, I just need
the longing to reach you.
I pray to let mystery take over and lead me there.
I pray for you out in a vast universe where I can meet you.
May 28th
"Every moment of your life has value.. You practice approaching every person, place, flower, or crack in the wall as if it were there just for you to appreciate." Carolyn Myss
I give my soul a chance to emerge.
I pray you will be beside me.
I give my soul a chance to emerge.
I pray you will be beside me.
May 25th
"The quieter we become, the more we hear." Ram Dass
"Be fearless."
Carolyn Myss
"Attachments to your worldly good, and to the traumas and pains of your past are, without a doubt, the greatest impediments to a spiritual life." Carolyn Myss
And so attached am I !
not fearless, not quiet, attached attached attached....
may you show me the way, with your worldly guidance and your soul wisdom.
I pray for peace inside and out.
"The quieter we become, the more we hear." Ram Dass
"Be fearless."
Carolyn Myss
"Attachments to your worldly good, and to the traumas and pains of your past are, without a doubt, the greatest impediments to a spiritual life." Carolyn Myss
And so attached am I !
not fearless, not quiet, attached attached attached....
may you show me the way, with your worldly guidance and your soul wisdom.
I pray for peace inside and out.
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