June 21st

http://youtu.be/QCmP4bEJfOg


Here is the music
that breaks my heart.
Astor Piazolla wrote Adios Nonino for his father.

"Here's the reality of life, you make decisions with imperfect information and achieve imperfect results."

Or maybe there's a perfection in life we can not see.

So many decisions I made seem imperfect, fatal. 
Why couldn't I help save you?
 I will never know.
It's living with the not knowing that is the hardest to surrender.

You are my everything.

I pray for everything I can not know.

June 20th

  "You just need to keep the faith while things unfold.  Faith keeps on keeping on.  Faith means going forward by whatever means we can."

  "Just do the next right thing"  We must be willing to surrender to a power greater than us."   Julia Cameron


     I don't know if I have "the faith."

     I pray to find it.

      I don't know if I can go forward,

      I pray to move in a direction and do " the next right thing."


       I pray for surrender, every day, that is my prayer, to surrender to all that I do not understand, to the mystery of you,

       vacant from your chair, yet, present in my life, more and more powerfully every day.


        I pray to know you and love you just as you are.


        I pray to allow myself the not knowing, the confusion, the unfaith.

       


   

June 19th

"If your thoughts and emotions are in the past when you pray for guidance in the present, you are living in too many time zones.  This makes it hard for you to hear guidance or make decisions about what to do in your present life. You're actually listening for guidance so that you can go where you cannot go any longer, no amount of prayer can help you there. Clinging to the past is like praying for God to raise the dead."  Carolyn Myss


I want to stay in the past and in the present.
I don't want to leave you, and I don't know how to go on and keep you with me,
or do I ?
I'm so confused about all this.
I know you're here with me, and yet you're not here in the same way.
I can't go to your body any longer, I can't look into your eyes.
Too painful to even write these words.

I pray you will stay with me, in whatever ways you can.
I pray that I will know the ways, I will recognize you in whatever form you come to me.

I pray to listen. I pray to hear you.

June 18th

"We are constantly advancing, like explorers, into the unknown, which makes life an adventure all the way.  How interminable and dull that journey would be if it were on a straight road over a flat plain, if we could see ahead the whole distance, without surprises, with the salt of the unexpected, without challenge." 
Eleanor Roosevelt


In your honor, I go into the world, an explorer.
You will always be with me, you have "returned to the non-physical realm," just as real as this life, just a life and realm I can not understand.

 You are on your own adventure. 

  This letting go is the toughest, the most scary, sometimes not an adventure at all, just fear and the heart of sadness.

  I pray for your hand to reach for mine in a new way.

 I pray to rise to the challenge of the adventure.

June 17th

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."  FDR


 There are many knots to tie,
 many ends of many ropes,
  I'm hanging on,
  and hanging on.

 I pray for a way in - not a way out.
 I pray for you ever present, ever with me, ever here.

All I can do is be here.  All I can do is live in my life, not in another's -  or in a life that I once had.
That life is gone, I can not retrieve it, as much as I yearn to go back there.

It is an impossibility.

June 16th

"A joy that death does not have the power to destroy."

 "Nothing that you have done in the past has the power to name who you are."

"Living with all our heart."  Thomas Merton


You are the joy that nothing can destroy.

 I look over the past, pieces of another life, they do not name me anymore.

 To live with all my heart, that would be joy. That would honor you and your love.


  I pray to live with all my heart into this new life.

June 15th

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present."  Eleanor Roosevelt

You would agree, I know you would.
 You saw every day as a gift.

 The tears are with me almost everyday. they are my present.
 Maybe they are a present.
 Maybe they are living parts of my soul.
 Maybe I need to be glad they are with me, instead of wiping them away.

 Where do they come from?  I don't know.

I've always been a crier. I've always had my tears as my companion.

 Maybe my tears too are a gift, a part of me coming home to myself.

 I pray for you with me and not with me.

 A hard truth to accept.