"Life is a precious but impermanent gift.  The body gives out and your soul is released.  The real value of life is whatever value it is to your soul."  Sonia Choquette


My precious gift, I pray to honor it.
Impermanence-  may I understand what that means, that someday I will not be here

with a love supreme may I honor you and my life.

You were gifted to me, the greatest gift.  I was the luckiest girl.
and all I can do is bemoan that you're not here.

I just want more and more and more.

when will I stop looking back ?

When will I just be grateful for what I had ?

I pray for you big soul.

Somedays I don't want to go on without you,
What does that mean?

Not that I don't want to stay alive.

I just can't adjust myself to without you.

in my own little universe, you were the sun, we revolved around you,
though I wonder if you knew it.

in my own little universe, there was no galaxy without you.

I've tried to think of you somewhere out there,
it's too hard.
to nonsensical to me, although I never thought I was so attached to the rational.

How come I keep looking for form,
when love has no form and I know it exists.


How come I ask you these questions but you don't respond.


I pray for you, no matter that I get no response, I pray for you, no matter that I don't understand. I can still pray still reach out.

 "Martial artists can not be grounded unless their being is where their feet are."

I'm ungrounded, un focused, un being, un footed.
No matter where I am, I'm somewhere else, wondering about life, death, no death, unlife.

I pray to know the ground under my feet.

I pray for you.  I pray for you to go on and on and on.

I pray for peace for both of us.

if there is worry in the after, don't worry about  me.

I will stand on my own feet. there is no other way.

you gave and gave and gave, it was more than enough.

You are woven into every moment.

My life's weaving is halted.
The stitches stop.
 unfinished

When the threads will move again
I don't know.

I pray for you out in the great beyond.
I pray to have your courage.
I pray to find my own.

"There is nothing sweeter than devotion."  Swami Kriyananda
 "Go with the currents don't fight them."

"Row row row your boat gently down the stream
merrily, merrily,merrily, life is but a dream....."


I pray to row the boat gently
and understand that life is but a dream....


I pray for you, rowing merrily in your dream,

I pray to join the dream.

I pray for you. always and always.

2o Seasons Of Kyoto

 are there seasons after this life ?
 20 or more, thousands, I don't know.

 I pray that there is more beauty and wonder than I can imagine
 where you are.

I pray that the seasons of your soul life are bountiful and full of light
and love.

  Your gifts are many, I pray that the world you inhabit now knows those gifts and celebrates you.

I pray I pray I pray.

"Grief doesn't necessarily make you noble, sometimes it just makes you crazy or primitive with fear."

It suprises me who I am,
less and more than I thought.

I can't recognize myself.

I come from a family of I know ers...
not you, my beloved dad, but others.

And I too fell into the trap, I know I know I know.
now my most often refrain to anything is I don't know.

I don't know anything
and everyday I know less and less  about myself than I thought I knew.

I only know or understand more and more about love,
it's ever embracing eternalness, how you can feel someone's love
no matter if they are in the next room, a hundred towns away,
downstairs from where you sit on your childhood bed and watch tv
or in galaxies or realms you can not imagine.

it is there, the same as it was, it doesn't disappear as you did,
it's my only foothold on this ledge,
my only finger of hope.

and I don't know what love is I only know how it feels.

"we are creatures of love."  Thomas Merton.

give me a perfect heart to love you,
I pray for calm, for peace, for serenity, for your soul. for my soul,
and for your bright light to always surround me.

 I pray for you, you are alive to me, and you always will be.

Everything makes me think of you.
I can't deny it, can't kid myself.
you are always there.
and then you're not there.

how do I unconfuse myself, unsad, ungloom myself.
I will have to live with you here, there and everywhere,
without seeing you, and that's giving up a lot.

I don't have a choice. not yet.
someday there may be a way to see you, in some form.

I pray for that day. to come and stay.

"Her absence was a space in our lives that I could almost embrace."  J.G. Ballard


It's too big a space to fill.
and it can't be filled.
by anything or anyone.
I will have to live with the space,
and know that you are within that space.

I pray for you, great soul, loving soul.
I pray for your travels.

In the river of my life
eleven months ago
everything stopped.

it wasn't a river anymore

I am walking in the river every day
unsure of where to place my feet.

the river keeps flowing, I can not stop it.

I pray for you on this day, that you are with me, at peace and in joy.

"Grief is on a continuum you have to move from one end of it to the other, and you can't miss any step along the way." Jack Miller, Ph.D

   Some days it doesn't feel as though it's moving at all, some days it feels as though all has stopped and I'm frozen in place.

   Some days I feel numb, I tell myself it's ok, but then something happens and it's not ok.

   Some days  I read something that makes me believe there is no death, and then I think about going to the cemetery and all breaks apart. 

      Many days I don't know what to believe, I only know you're not here in your beautiful physical form to discuss it with me.

       I guess I have to use other means to communicate, only I don't know what they are.  besides talking to myself and hoping and praying you hear me.

       I pray for you to hear me. 

        I pray for me to listen and hear you.

       I pray for reunion some day.

Bless your holy spirit
Bless your eternal soul.
Bless us all as we soldier on without you.
Bless us all to know that someday we will meet again.

you are blessed and we are blessed to have your love within us.

When you forgive those who have hurt you, you free up your awareness.  You shift it out of the past and bring it fully into the moment, where it can serve you to become what your heart's desire wants you to be.  Forgiveness is a great act of the soul.    The soul doesn't like to cling to the past.  It understands that all experiences are beneficial to our spiritual growth, because all experiences ultimately teach us something.  


  The most unforgiving I am is to myself.
  I pray to forgive myself for all the things I could have done, could have said, could have saved you.

  I pray for that comfort, I pray that you will understand all my failings, I know you do and you did,
  I pray to be as forgiving as you.


  I pray for your great soul, lighting up the world, the stars, the billions of galaxies, all at once.

  I pray for your soul's energy to stay near and travel far, yet remain in the orbit of my heart.


  I pray for myself to let go of past mistakes, failings, weaknesses, sins.

  

"In the Buddhist tradition - take your sorrow and sadness and do something positive with it in the name of someone you love."   Peace from Broken Pieces, Iylanla Vanzant


Everything I do, it's in your name.
to honor and continue my love for you.

From the smallest detail - it's all in your name.

You are all the verses to all the song I sing.

My song is for you.


I pray for you, kind, gentle, soaring soul that you are.

I pray for you. always, always, always.

"We must live our own experience, we cannot inherit it."  Andrei Tarkovsky


The life I have is mine
and I cannot rely on others,
it's all up to me.
"Everyone has to stand on their own feet."

I pray for your soul. is it safe ? is it worried?
is it at peace?  do those concepts exist in the hereafter?
is there a hereafter?  what is out there?


help !