"The bereaved cannot communicate with the unbereaved."  Iris Murdoch

"Heraklitos wrote that we assume a new identity in death as a guardian of both the living and the dead."  Franz Wright

I'm counting on that new identity, if not, I can not bear it.

How can a year feel like a minute, an hour, yesterday.  I don't understand.

"Cry your eyes out when you want, be gentle with yourself."  Susan Merz Anderson

"there's a wishing futilely for the world to make sense again."  The Long Goodbye"   Meghan O'Rourke

"The people we most love do become a physical part of us, ingrained in our synapses, in the pathways where memories are created."   Colin Murray Parkes


"Even when a death is foreseen, I was surprised to find, it still feels sudden - an instant that could have gone differently.  If I could find a flaw in the story, I thought, if I could find the right turning point, then perhaps, like Orpheus, I could bring the one I sought back from the dead." 


All this searching and wondering and I always arrive at the same point, my head inside a book, then the book is finished, and there's no answer to finally solve the mystery.

You are not here with me, and I am here without you.  There's nothing worse. nothing.

My prayers have gone unanswered, except if you are safe and at peace, if you exist on some other plane, joyful and loving, still loving me, then the prayer I prayed every day has been answered.  But I will never know.