When I thought I had it all figured out, I was lost,
now that I am lost, maybe I'm on my way to being found.

"You can't always look in the rear view mirror when you are driving."

 "Call back the energy you are wasting on events of the past."



   I am blessed to have you in my life, it is an eternal having, nothing can separate you from me.

  Your physical absence is so difficult to hold that I have to dream you here with me like before.



   "layer upon layer of who we thought we are falls away." Thomas Merton

     I pray to let the layers fall away.

     I pray for you with all my heart.

"I lost his body but not his soul.  He's with  me every day."  Sondra Beaulieu, The Other Side of Sadness


I have to believe it's true, although many times I can't feel it.
I have to trust in a bigger picture, a letting go of what I know with my head, and go with my heart.
You can not be gone, it can not be.

I keep your soul in here, with me.

I pray for you.

I pray to keep going, keep living, to go  out into the world again and find peace and joy.

"People overwhelmed by grief simply give up,they stop participating in life and dwell on the past. They need help structuring more activity into their lives."
The Other Side of Sadness


I pray to find a way to do that.
I know that giving up is not helping.
I understand that dwelling in the past has not helped me move forward.
I haven't wanted to move forward.

there I said it.
Losing you is not something I can accept, and yet acceptance is the only way to continue.

But I know when I was this cute little girl you wanted to give me the world,
and that you still do.


I need to begin moving toward something.


I don't know what that is.
I pray for guidance, yours, God's, all the angels in all the heavens, I know you're busy but steer a little cloud of guidance my way.

I pray for that.
I pray to rest that you are at peace.

I pray for your peace.

"Our lives are changed and they will never be the same.  But in a way, I think I'm probably going to be a better person than I would have been had I not lost our daughter.

And I guess that's because you become more aware of how you deal with others, and how you think about others."  The Other Side of Sadness, a mother who lost her child in 9/11.


I feel that way too.
I hope I'm on my way to becoming a better person.

I pray for that.
Let me be a better person.

I pray for you.
I pray for us.

I pray for all of us who have lost our loved one.

Amen.

my old story


I know you will guide me in whatever way you can
to live life here and now.

I know you will love me for eternity however you can.

I know I will love you eternally when I am on this earth and when I am gone.

that's all I know.

how you went and where you went and what lies beyond are all mysteries to me.

mysteries I will never solve.

I'm dead to myself and I have to find a way to be alive.

"even when a death is foreseen, I was surprised to find, it still feels sudden - an instant that could have gone differently.  If only I could find a flaw in the story.
I thought, if I could find the right turning point, then perhaps - like Orpheus - I could bring the one I sought back from the dead."  The Long Goodbye



 I'm still looking for the flaw in the story.
 when will it stop ?

  I don't think it ever will.

 the yearning for you,   it will go on and on.

 What can I pray for?  I don't know. right now, I pray to get through this, to not fall apart.

 that's all I can pray for.

 and that you are safe and protected.